IN THE BEGINNING
This blog is all about Transformation, in all the many ways it unfolds in our life, and in the world we are living in. Before I can speak more generally about Healing and Transformation, or whatever you may be interested in on the subject, I need to talk about myself first.
In this post I feel I need to start this blog at the beginning of this most recent transformative process which has been unfolding for 22 months. I didn’t know it at the time, as we never do, but in looking back I can see how all the pieces have added up to me being here, writing this blog and starting this radio show. If we are going to talk about transformation, we have to look at all the parts otherwise it gives the impression that somehow it magically “just happened”, and that is not usually the case.
AND WE ALL FALL DOWN
For me, this round started with a fall, not the season, but a situation where I fell down and tore all the ligaments in my right foot and leg. It was awful, painful, scary, limiting. I live in the mountains in a 2 story house, by myself, and not being able to move around freely was a serious inhibition to my life. After 6 weeks of being in pain and hobbling around, I got this “download”, it was crystal clear and said “Everything in your life is going to change: your body, your relational field, your money and your work”. Okay, I thought, I say yes to all of it, make it so. I had no idea how any of this was going to unfold. My body was 215 pounds, and in 25 years, nothing I did changed that one iota. Well, when I went to the Amazon, I did lose 30 pounds, but it was a temporary loss.
Four days later I went to my doctor and she informed me I had to get the weight off for health reasons. Ok I said, but how??? That was when I got introduced to the HCG program. I won’t go into the details right now, but one and a half years later, I have lost 45 pounds and they are not coming back. Point one. Check.
Two months later I gave a presentation at the Psychedelic Science Conference in San Jose, CA, presenting my dissertation research on the healing capacity of Ayahuasca, an Entheogenic brew from the Amazonia rainforest. During that conference, I finally got to meet my dear friends new born infant, Dyllan Kianna Wicks. We had connected while she was in utero, and I was excited to meet her in person, but the situation made it more rushed than I would have liked.
AND THEN THE REAL WORK BEGINS
May 22, while I was in Hawaii, celebrating my son Adam’s graduation from the University of Hawaii, I got a call that little Dyllan, 3 months old, had gone into heart failure, and was not expected to live. Shortly after returning home, I got to visit her and her Mom and Dad at the University of California at San Francisco Medical Center. It was all so uncertain and frightening so see such a tiny being surrounded by so many machines and medicines.
She was transferred to the Pediatric Cardiac Intensive Care Unit at Lucille Packard Children’s Hospital at Stanford shortly after that. And that is where the next 9 months of my life was centered, in service to the Life and Spirit of Dyllan, and her family. Her parents, Dayna and Scott, wanted to have someone with her 24 hours a day in addition to the nursing staff. So, a group of us, friends and family took shifts, to spend with this amazing little Being, through 9 surgeries, including a heart transplant. I will not go into details, there are just too many, and I know it is impossible to imagine, but just know this was the sickest child ever in the history of Stanford, that no one expected her to live, and yet she did, and continues her amazing journey into life as a toddler. And in the grueling process of living in an Intensive Care Unit with children all having heart problems, watching what this little Spirit kept saying yes to a was humbling, and life altering experience. It was the most profound initiation of my life. It challenged me on levels I did not know were possible. It changed me forever. And I am deeply honored and grateful to have taken part in such a Sacred process. If anyone is interested in learning more specifics about this process, you can visit the Caring Bridge Website: www.caringbridge.org/visit/dyllanwicks
Through out this time, I maintained my busy counseling practice, and somehow the energy I needed to do both was always there. But in January, just as Dyllan was being discharged to the Ronald McDonald house for interim care before going home, I dropped. I woke up one day and realized something inside of me just broke. I couldn’t feel, think, move or sense anything in life. It was like the plug was pulled and all of a sudden I was completely empty. Gratefully, Dayna had the support she needed, and I was able to stay home and rest.
THE DEATH AND REBIRTH BEGINS
Over the next months, my energy would fluctuate, but with many more lows than normal or high. One day, I realized another personal process was beginning, and I asked that it be gentle, since it always comes through my body. I am a bit famous for automobile accidents as initiations to process. So, I wanted to hold this one differently from the outset. And it was gentle. Except for the 2 days in my offices, I couldn’t get out of bed for the other 5, sleeping almost constantly. My practice went the way of my energy, way down. I kept assuming this was temporary and kept waiting for both my energy and client load to lift back up, but they never did.
By August, I realized there was a serious problem, as my savings was almost depleted, and no new clients were arriving. In 34 years I have never had this situation, I’ve always had new clients regularly arriving, and it got my attention, but I just didn’t know what to do with the information. When I would tune it, and ask for guidance, all I saw was that I needed to send out a letter asking for help. YIKES, that is not something I have ever done, or even knew how to do. Wow, all my stories and judgments about myself came screaming to the surface and I resisted mightily. For weeks, I sat in despair, resistance and semi-panic. Then one day, out of the clear blue, my dear, loving son Adam, offered to send me money. That did it. The energy was so strong it was coming though my son to show me how I really did need help. I had to acknowledge I couldn’t do this by myself any longer. It was terrifying. But I sat down, wrote the letter and sent it out the following day, not knowing what others would think or how they would respond, or react.
Immediately I received numerous heart-felt offers of support in any way people could, they were willing: Sessions, financial help, listening, support, love, whatever people could give of their love they did. It blew me open. I felt like a rooter-rooter had just opened my heart in a way I didn’t know needed to happen. I was flattened from the intensity of it all. I had never allowed myself to receive so much from others in such a deliberate way in my life. It was profound. And right along side of that was the fear that the support wouldn’t really show up, as days went by and my P.O. box stayed empty.
Then I got to sit with my impatience, and all my beliefs about Trust, more accurately, how I couldn’t trust people or life or… It was shocking because after all my years of personal work, I didn’t realize these nuggets still resided in my unconscious. I didn’t realize how much force they wanted to exert on my life, or had in the past. But as I stayed present to them, without engaging or believing them, watching them unfold themselves, wanting to pull me back into a paranoid, mistrusting, angry place in life, something happened. This next part is really important, yet very hard to describe, as transformation is, but I want to do my best to explain this, so bear with me.
While I was driving around in my truck, dragon wrestling my mental sewage, deciding between buying a bottle of tequila and a gallon of ice cream, I called a friend Andrea, who reminded me I could make a tequila ice cream float. That was helpful. Then I began to speak all the elements of the beliefs that were showing themselves, and allowed myself to feel all the emotions each one of those beliefs evoked. After about 20 minutes of this internal watching and speaking out loud, (thank God for good non-judgmental friends), without making any of it wrong, but also not making any of it right, or even believing that it was true, just seeing it all and speaking it, a new energy began to emerge.
PHOENIX RISING FROM THE ASHES
Right behind the debris began coming a lighter vibration wave. At first, it was purely energetic, unformed, unknown, but the more I spoke all of what was coming, including this new energy, the new, lighter energy got stronger, and stronger. And then it began to have the feeling of inspiration, and then BAM, it was as if I was propelled into an entirely new universe. It was as if I got shot out of a cannon and landed in a new land, where a stream of possibilities were unfolding. They still were not clear, but I knew something was happening. I began to feel excitement.
That week I was compelled to take part in an on-line conference about business and Emotional Intelligence, and was just dumbstruck. After all the years I have been teaching about Consciousness, Self-Awareness, Emotions and Energy, I had no idea it had gone so mainstream as to become a conversation in the business community. I realized I had been keeping myself in a bottle, and only allowing the clients who would come to see me to drink from this nectar, and that my Life was telling me to move, move out into a larger communication field.
I have proudly held the title of Technophobe for many years of my life, and now, I had to get over myself. That is why new clients couldn’t arrive. I actually needed the financial crises to open me, to allow me to receive the support I needed to move me out of my comfort zone, and into a whole new world. And this is it. Here we are together the Tribe of Transformers.
I still have no idea what is going to happen. I am still sitting in the Mystery of the Unknown, and can pay part of my mortgage this month, but have no idea of next month. But communicating with my new larger community is more immediately pressing. Sharing the knowledge, insights and wisdom about Healing and Transformation, which I have gathered in my 64 years of Life, is what the next evolution wants to include.
So thanks for joining me on this ride. I hope you will share yours as well, because we are all doing this together. Consciousness is Contagious. We are living in a time of massive upheaval and change on a global, and astronomical, planetary level. We need to communicate with each other how to stay present and grounded in these changes so we neither give up our empowerment to outer forces, nor get caught in the fear of changes, inside or outside. If we can hold our awareness with clarity, and keep inquiring deeper into ourselves, something amazing can happen. I’ve shared my story of how this is happening. But this is only one version of the millions of billions of possibilities. I invite you to share yours.
The point is, you are not alone in this process of Changing Life. Let’s enjoy this wild rollercoaster ride together, smoothing our way into a new Life together.
Hope you are smooth.